Five Things Adults Might Not Realize About Children's Grief
When a child experiences the death of someone they love, adults wonder: Should they be crying more? Are they crying too much?
They seemed okay all afternoon... is that normal?
Another child in our family is grieving completely differently. Should I be concerned?
And finally: Are they processing this in a healthy way…or at all?
We look for signs that they're coping well. We wonder whether they're expressing enough emotion, too much emotion, or any emotion at all. And when they seem happy one minute and heartbroken the next, it's easy to wonder if something is wrong.
The truth is, children's grief often looks very different from adult grief.
Just as no two adults grieve exactly the same way, no two children do either. And while every child is unique, there are a few patterns in children's grief that can surprise many parents, grandparents, teachers, and caregivers. Understanding them can bring reassurance during an incredibly difficult time.
1. Children's grief can feel like a roller coaster.
One of the most common concerns we hear is, "I don't know if they're grieving the way they're supposed to."
We often tell families that children's grief can look a lot like a roller coaster — with really high highs and really low lows, sometimes with very little space between them. A child may cry after talking about Grandma one minute, then ask to go outside and play the next. They may have the giggles through dinner, then become tearful at bedtime.
To the adults around them, those quick shifts can be surprising or even concerning.
It's natural to wonder whether they're avoiding their feelings, whether they're grieving "enough," or whether those emotional ups and downs are a sign that something's wrong.
For many children, they're not.
Rather than staying with difficult emotions for long periods of time, children naturally move in and out of grief. They take breaks to play, laugh, learn, and simply be kids before returning to feelings that can be overwhelming. Those moments of joy don't mean they've forgotten the person they love.
In many ways, adults do this too. We may cry while looking through old photographs, then laugh over dinner because someone shares a funny story. We move in and out of grief throughout our lives. Children simply tend to move through those moments more quickly.
2. Play is part of grieving.
Adults often process grief by talking about it.
Children are just as likely to process it through play.
They might draw pictures, build with blocks, tell stories with stuffed animals, or spend hours outside pretending. It may not look like grief from the outside, but play is often how children make sense of emotions that are just too big for words.
That's one of the reasons grief camps include games, crafts, outdoor activities, and therapy dogs. A child making a friendship bracelet, kicking a soccer ball, or spending a few quiet minutes with a dog may be doing more emotional processing than we realize.
Play gives children a chance to catch their breath before returning to emotions that can be exhausting. It's one of the many healthy ways they cope with loss.
3. Grief changes as children grow.
Children's understanding of death changes as they get older. A child who loses a loved one at six years old won't understand that loss the same way they will at sixteen.
As they reach new stages of life, they often experience their grief in new ways. A graduation, a first job, a school musical, or even a family tree assignment at school can bring old feelings back to the surface. The reality is that grief often grows alongside us. As children reach new stages and milestones in life, they naturally see their loss from a different perspective.
That doesn't mean they're grieving "all over again." It means they're understanding the loss through the eyes of the person they've become.
4. Children sometimes try to protect the adults they love.
Children notice more than we often realize. They see when Mom cries. They notice when Grandpa gets quiet. They can sense when the adults around them are hurting.
Sometimes, because they love those adults so much, they decide to hide their own feelings. They may avoid talking about the person who died, say they're "fine" when they aren't, or try to stay strong because they don't want to make someone else sad. It's a loving instinct, but it's also a heavy burden for a child to carry.
One of the greatest gifts we can give a grieving child is reminding them they don't have to protect us from their grief. They deserve space for their feelings, too.
5. There’s no "right" way to grieve.
When adults lose someone they love, we don't expect everyone to grieve the same way.
Some people cry openly and others hold their emotions close. Some find comfort in talking about the person they've lost, while others need quiet time before they're ready. None of those responses are inherently right or wrong; they’re just different.
The same is true for children.
One child may ask dozens of questions and another may become unusually quiet. One may want to tell stories about the person they lost every day, while another may avoid talking about them for weeks or even months. None of those responses automatically tell us whether a child is grieving “right” or grieving “wrong.”
Every child has a different personality, every relationship is unique, a every loss is different.
Rather than comparing one child's grief to another's, it can be more helpful to ask a different question: Do they know they're safe to express what they're feeling?
When children know they can cry, laugh, ask questions, share memories, or simply sit quietly without being judged or rushed, they're given the freedom to grieve in the way that's right for them.
Walking beside grieving children
There isn't a roadmap for helping a child through grief, and there aren't perfect words that can make their pain disappear.
But what children remember most is actually quite simple.
They remember the adults who listened. The people who answered their questions honestly and without judgement. The family member who let them laugh without feeling guilty. The friend who sat beside them without expecting them to say anything at all.
At Krill Funeral Service, we've had the privilege of walking alongside children and families in many different ways. Whether it's connecting families with local grief resources, supporting programs like Rays of Hope Camp, or simply watching Oakley sit quietly beside a child who needed him, we've seen how much comfort can be found in simply being there.
Children don't need you to have all the answers.
They just need you to be a safe place for their grief.
If your family is supporting a grieving child and you're not sure where to begin, we're always here to help connect you with resources and support. Call us at (419) 636-3525 or send us a message.
